Xiamen, China: Less Yoga, More circus! (2018)

    Little by little, I had begun to fall into some sense of a routine in Xiamen. Apart from teaching yoga classes, I was also teaching a few English classes on the side. There was one girl whom I had never met, yet we would talk daily on the phone for half an hour in order for her to practice listening and speaking English with me. I think she was my boss's niece or something like that. Side note: If you want to go live in China and you know English - boom, you have plenty of opportunities to work. Apart from my very little amount of "work" duties, I was investing most of my time into implementing circus techniques into my training. I still hadn't managed to shake the circus bug that I received while in Paris. In fact, the feelings were only growing. I had researched some circus schools online and took a peek at the audition requirements that each school had. For example, at every audition, you needed to demonstrate all of the split positions. I didn't yet have these in my body, so I simply started doing the splits every day (sometimes twice a day) until I could manage to do them all. Not knowing the proper methods to do this, I achieved the positions by sheer determination and stubbornness. In the end, it was many months of relentless "suffering" until I got them all. I also started to work on my 3-minute handstand act that I'd hypothetically need to present IF I did auditions. Again, I didn't know what I was doing, or even if I was ever going to audition, but I knew that I needed to do something. I needed to be active even if I was unsure if what I was doing was "correct". I watched a ton of YouTube videos to get some references, as I had almost zero experience with expressing myself as an "artist" - whatever that means. Being that I had the most relaxed teaching schedule ever, and that I was trying to escape my impending feelings of loneliness, I had all the time in the world to "mess around" and see where things took me. Besides, if I did decide to leave China to do auditions, it still wasn't the right time. I needed to stay in China longer in order to pay for my circus art studies in the event that I did get into a school. I began to understand that me being in China was the ultimate preparation phase for me to change my training and to fund my eventual studies. The pieces of the puzzle were starting to come together. Sometimes, with time, you can see that where you are is just a necessary step to get to where you "should" be.

Many months passed of me being in a Jedi state of mind. Only training, training, and teaching yoga the little amount that I needed to. Every 3 months I took a boat ride to Taiwan so that my visa could be renewed. Apart from my mini trips to Taiwan, occasionally Mr. B and I were sent to various cities to give workshops and spread the Ashtanga method of Yoga. In this way I had the privilege to see other cities besides Xiamen. The cities that stuck out to me most were the tiny villages where it seemed that the locals mostly sat all day and drank tea, only doing what was necessary to live. Many times we sat with them, only being able to communicate with our smiles. Simplicity always has and continues to allures me. Anyways. Looking back, I went into a hyper fixated state of mind. Hyper fixation and obsessiveness was the only way to go if I wanted to change course from yoga teacher to circus artist. I still doubted myself many times during this process. Was I really going to give up this easy lifestyle for the very small chance of getting into a circus school? Only to then spend years relentlessly training in the hopes of maybe being able to live off this art? After all, the auditions were no easy task. Many candidates train for years and years preparing for them, even doing circus preparation schools to tune their bodies and craft beforehand. And here I was having only prepped for about 9 months total. What I was trying to achieve was a complete "Hail Mary" play. You gotta risk it to get the biscuit. Because of the grandeur of my goal, I was constantly questioning myself and doubting the possibility of success. At times, I felt stupid for even considering these circus ideas. No matter how many times I suppressed the idea of circus, the question of "What if?" always managed to rise to the top of my mind, only for me to push it back down with all of my fears and doubts. One day all of this changed. This change didn't happen in China. The change or "click" happened in my head while meditating in Korea.

Yes, you read that right - Korea. After many months in China, Mr. B and I decided that we needed to get a breath of fresh air and go and see someplace new. Plus, I was feeling a bit stuck. Something was off within me. China had lost its appeal to me, but I wasn't sure what to do next...and I still hadn't mustered up the courage to try and audition for any circus schools. To "try" would mean to open myself up to failure...and I wasn't ready yet. We decided to enroll in a 10-day Vipassana Meditation course (https://www.dhamma.org/en-US/about/code). During these courses, you are in pure solitude with yourself. No talking, music, reading, phones, games, training, or even eye contact with others. Nothing besides sitting on your butt and meditating. Although you were allowed to go on walks. Each day was divided into multiple sessions of meditation that totaled to around 10 hours per day with the wake-up call at 4 am. Nothing but sitting alone with yourself while using the specific Vipassana meditation that is taught. I suffered for the first 6 days. Anxiety, fear, back pain, and a plethora of suppressed memories that I had long forgotten came spilling out of me. I had a ton of unprocessed "traumas" that I didn't even realize. BUT, there was also something magical that happened. There was one moment where I had some sort of vision that played out in my head (and by the way, I'm very hesitant to use the word "vision", but I can't think of another word that fits better). It was a vision of me doing acrobatic sequences that I had never done before. I was doing things with my body that were still not possible to me at that time. I saw myself performing. I saw audiences. I saw one-arm handstands (something I'd achieve 4 years later). I saw a glimpse of the future that I truly desired. A future that wasn't sculpted by my fears. A future that wasn't muddied by my mind's over-analyzations and questions. And that was it. I burst into a glorious smile knowing that I had found what I was searching for. I knew that the path of the circus was where I was "supposed" to go. I can't say how I knew, only that the feeling that erupted within me in that moment was my total confirmation. I couldn't bullshit myself anymore. In the end, the answer was within (CLICHE!). I just had to be still enough so that it could arise out of me. I had to let the silence speak to me. For the following days, there was no more "suffering" involved in my daily meditation sessions. For I had found peace and clarity, if only for a moment. Though it would quickly fade once I went back into the chaos of "normal" life and fell out of meditating. Typical. Now I just had to take the final step and tell the boss man that I intended to leave China and become a circus artist...

Before my journey took me away from China, there was one more event that happened in my remaining weeks there. It was something that left me frightened and to this day is the reason that I have chosen to never return. Looking back, it's a story that I can laugh about. However, if things would have turned out different, it would have been no laughing matter. More on that in the next post.

Corey