Circus School Auditions (2019/2020?)

The long-awaited time finally came. It was time to audition for circus school! Little did I know how unprepared I was...

I had two auditions that were a couple of weeks apart. For the sake of storytelling, I'll combine them into one post. My first one was in Bordeaux, France. I arrived in the lovely town of Bordeaux with a confidence that only stemmed from my complete ignorance. I also arrived with a super shitty handstand number that I'd created and tested on the streets of Paris. Side note: before I left Paris, I was making some coin by working terraces in tourist areas. This is something commonly done in circus street culture. When people are having their lavish tasty meals, seated outside - you provide the entertainment by doing a few-minute show right in front of them on the street. All this to say that I had taken my handstand number used for the terraces and was also using it for my audition. I did these terrace shows with another wanna be handbalancer such as myself. We both were attempting to get into a circus school. We both were working the streets to help provide for ourselves. Fate had it that we would both eventually get accepted into different schools.  Ok, back to the story.

Upon arriving at the "Ecole de Cirque de Bordeaux," I was mesmerized. The auditions were held in a traditional circus tent, which is also where the classes during the school year would take place. Many circus schools still take place in tents and keep the circus tent tradition alive. I was infatuated and in a state of bliss. Of course, I was there to audition and needed to have some degree of seriousness, but in reality, I was so hyped to even be having the experience that I couldn't help but enjoy the day. It was a dream come true! Most people I was auditioning with had already been a part of the circus culture and had been training for a greater part of their life. It was very obvious that I was the outsider. I've always loved to be the underdog. Although this was the reality, I tried my best to pretend like I knew what I was doing. However, my acting wasn't so successful...

Although I had a pleasurable time auditioning, my demonstration of having any capacity to become a future circus artist was a complete failure. During the trampoline assessment, where you have to jump on a trampoline and do certain positions, I almost flew off the trampoline and smashed into a group of people. During the handstand assessment (which I thought I was most prepared for), I couldn't even manage to go into a normal two-arm handstand. We were using handstand blocks, which I had never used before. I couldn't find the balance. I remember the look of disgust that the teacher gave me when I was failing over and over in front of him. He looked at me like I, as a person, was trash...but honestly, fuck that guy. Yes, I failed miserably, but I would've failed and failed until the day that I succeeded. I knew that, but he didn't. I needed to find a school that saw potential in me. A school that believed in what I would become. If only they knew the determination that my heart held, then maybe they would have seen me differently. The day was filled with cringe moments that only proved that I wasn't ready. Atleast not for this place.

After the audition, I had an interview with the director of the school as part of the process. He told me very bluntly (which I appreciated) that my level wasn't high enough and that I wasn't ready to enter the school. He suggested that I continue to train and try again next year. I wasn't too surprised, and in fact, I agreed, but I wouldn't wait one year more. My time was now. Because of my age, which is a big limiting factor in circus school auditions (they want fresh and young people!), I had to enter into school this year. I felt like it was now or never. I decided to use this failure as a trial run for my next audition, which I had a couple of weeks later in the Netherlands. It was obvious that my level was nowhere compared to these other people. I would just have to fake it much much better at the next audition. I left Bordeaux with a better understanding of what I needed to do. Failure has always been my best teacher. Onwards ever!

My second audition was at "The Academy for Circus and Performing Arts" located in Tilburg, Netherlands. Unlike the school in Bordeaux, which was a preparatory school, this school (ACAPA) was a superior school - a four-year bachelor degree program. Typically, one would go to a prep school and then go to a superior school. I was way out of my league. But alas, for me, it was one big game. I would fake it until I make it. I would blend in and pretend. I was surrounded by so many badass people. People doing flippidy-flip-flips combined with spins and turns that not even my mind could register what was happening. There were other handbalancers who were already on one arm, something I would achieve about 2-3 years later. I saw a plethora of tricks that I'd never seen before. It was a bit overwhelming. I had many thoughts of doubt and inadequacy, but I kept telling myself, "Just play the game. It's all just one big game." At one point during the handstand portion of the audition, the teacher asked me to demonstrate a "crocodile." This is a common position in the circus world. Anyone who knows anything about circus knows at least the name of this trick. Not me. When the teacher walked away for a moment, I whispered to the girl next to me, "psssss - what is a crocodile?" She quickly showed me. When the teacher arrived back, I pretended to know exactly what I was doing and managed to do my first-ever crocodile without ever having trained it. Luck has always been a close friend of mine. Furthermore, during various flexibility demonstrations, while doing positions I had also never done before, I completely forced myself into them (stupid thing to do), masking my pain and discomfort with a smile on my face. I suppose my yoga background came to save the day. I remember one teacher saying, "Oh wow - you are a flexy boy, huh?". In reality, I was fucking dying on the inside, just trying to survive. The funniest and most stupid thing I did happened during the acrobatic portion of testing. The teacher asked us to one by one demonstrate our backflips. We had the option to pass if we didn't feel comfortable, but I wanted to "play the game." When it came to my turn, I said a silent prayer to the acrobatic Gods and threw myself with all the hope of the world. I somehow managed to survive. I don't think what I did would be technically considered a backflip, but at least it showed courage...or maybe stupidity. Sometimes the line that separates the two is thin and undefined. I've always fluctuated between both, sometimes having one foot in "stupidity" and one foot in "courageous."

The audition was 3 days long. After the first day, many people were cut. The fact that I made it to the second day without being cut seemed to be a mistake on their part. Again, to me, it was all a game, and somehow I managed to make it to the next level. Yeehaw! The final two days were comprised of about 40 - 50 people. People from all over the world. People who, like me, were also dreamers. Only 25 would be accepted into the school. In one of the last procedures of the auditions, just like in the audition in Bordeaux, there was an interview. Instead of "faking it until I make it," like I had been doing all along, I came clean. I took out my heart and put it on the table in front of them (metaphorically speaking). I told them that I had absolutely no idea what I was doing. I told them I knew almost nothing and had been trying to blend in the whole audition, that I didn't know the names of most of the tricks/positions/movements they were asking, that I had just been copying the people around me. I told them I had zero circus background aside from the classes I took from my short time in France. And lastly, I told them my story. All the way from being homeless in Hawaii, to traveling the world, to eventually discovering circus from Stella along the Ganges river in India. I told them that I was well aware of the fact that I was one of the least technically trained people still left in the audition, that my level was one of the lowest...but I just needed the chance to prove myself. I stood there asking them to give me that chance.

In response to the interview and to me having poured out my soul, the kind woman smiled and said, "Thank you. We have everything we need to make our decision." In the final farewell of the auditions, they announced those who were still left in the running. I couldn't believe it, but I still wasn't eliminated. I had made it to the final level, the final boss! They would give the final results in one month via email. Until then, I had to wait. I couldn't help but call Stella and tell her the news. After all, together or not, she was the reason that I had found this path. Gotta give thanks where thanks is due. It was happening. The dreams were coming true. I wouldn't receive my answer for one more month, but I already had a feeling that I got in, a suspicion. It must have been my ignorance that led to my confidence, but it was confidence nonetheless.

One month later, after having returned to Paris, hopping from couch to couch while I waited, I received the email. "The Academy for Circus and Performing Arts" in the Netherlands had accepted me. Fuck yeah! A new adventure was upon me. I had four years of intense training and life-changing events that lay before me. My time in the Netherlands would once again change the person who I was. I say that every time, but I mean it every time. Life is always changing me. I am a mere piece of clay, and life is the potter molding me through moments of ecstasy, tribulations, and relations with the world that I just so happen to find myself in. Circus school, here I come!