Portugal - New People, New Place, Same Passion

    I quickly found my peace and my place amongst the circus freaks in Portugal (I use 'freaks' as a term of endearment). It's like that with the circus. It doesn't quite matter where you go, circus people take care of circus people, and that's exactly what I felt. I had once again found another family in this new place. Portugal's circus life seemed to be much more fitting for me compared to my life in the Netherlands due to many factors. Because of this, I was able to further flourish. I made sure not to make the same mistakes as I did in the Netherlands. After having used and abused myself in the Netherlands, I now emphasized my personal health and well-being. I was eating properly—more consistently and more caloric-dense meals. I quit doing my insane fasting regimen, which just wasn't manageable with the number of hours I was training. Furthermore, I think my fasting was just an eating disorder in disguise. I was prioritizing sleep. I wasn't working like a madman each day after school—only on the weekends at the traffic lights. I was no longer in a wild relationship. I was taking ice baths once or twice a week to aid in my body's recovery (up until I moved into my caravan). And lastly, I was living in a caravan only 5 minutes walking from the school. All of these lifestyle factors contributed to a more balanced and healthy well-being for myself. With all of these factors in my favor, I was then able to train more and more and more. My capacity for the amount of effort that I was able to output between the two schools was astonishingly different—all due to my lifestyle factors. I had finally realized, after so much of shooting myself in the foot, that to be a better handbalancer, I had to better manage the factors outside of handbalancing. Yes, it's quite obvious now, but it took me a lot of messing up to see this. To commemorate this new way of being, this new way of taking care of myself, I chopped off all the hair on my head—as a symbol of new beginnings and starting over. That, and because the summers in Portugal were oh so hot and sticky!

    Caravan life was, and still is, my favorite way of living to this day. It was unlike anything I had ever experienced. There were about 15-20 of us, all circus artists, living on the campsite that was reserved for us by the city municipality. My caravan was as big as some people's wardrobes or closets, and I absolutely loved it. It contributed to my minimalist mentality and lifestyle. I had absolutely no room for objects that I didn't need. Furthermore, I had my own sacred space that was all mine. All mine! My little 4 meters by 4 meters of space was my own personal sanctuary. I've slept and lived in all sorts of places: lavish treehouses in Costa Rica, apartments of all sorts all over the world, flats in the heart of Paris, luxurious hotel rooms here and there, blah blah blah. By far, my favorite place to reside has been in my little caravan. Oh, what a joy to have my slice of protected peace. Apart from this, it was also the environment in which I was living that I loved so much. Upon walking outside, it was like living in a movie. My neighbors were all strange and interesting characters from around the world. Just by opening my front door, I'd see an assortment of wild and magical happenings. Happenings such as: knife throwing (you could always hear the THUMP of the knives being lodged into the wood), the couple next door singing and playing guitar together, the jugglers obsessively working on their next fixation of a trick, or perhaps an impromptu meal being shared by those who didn't feel like training. Not to mention there were always those that you could simply sit and share a beer (or toke) with - it was truly a piece of paradise.
I found that being in this type of environment, a place where everyone around you was completely committed to similar dreams as you, was extremely conducive to internal motivation and staying on "the path." It was hard not to feel alive. It was hard not to feel completely on fire with motivation and inspiration for life. Of course, I had those days where I'd lay in bed all day, days where my body was too destroyed to lift itself from the cozy sheets of my caravan—yes, of course. However, there were many times when I had mentally accepted that I would rest or take a day off, but then I'd open up my door to see some others deep in training, deep in pursuit of their dreams. Then I'd catch a spark. Once my flame was lit, I'd be off to the races, no longer feeling the need or desire to rest but completely awakened by those around me. Many rest days actually turned into a full-fledged train-until-your-guts-spill-out type of days because of this—for better or for worse.

My schooling in Portugal brought many wonderful people into my life that filled up different aspects of myself.

• One: being in such close proximity to a still practicing professional handbalancer (my teacher: Mauricio Jara) gave me a glimpse of not only where I wanted to go with my handbalancing goals, but also of the dedication and immense amount of hours of training I still had before me. My path wasn't even close to being over; it was just beginning. The goals that I sought would not come easy, and they would not come fast. If I wanted what I wanted, I needed to accept years and years of more refinement. I noticed that no matter how incredibly good Mau was, he was still training, still pushing himself to improve. I still hear some of his guiding words and handbalance principles rummaging around in my head to this day.

• Two: I experienced a beautiful romantic love with a trapeze-ist that would last for a couple of years, eventually taking me to her homeland, Brazil, after we finished our schooling. As always, this love offered me a great mirror that reflected aspects of myself that I might not have learned otherwise. That and much much more. I believe that because of that relationship, I'm a better lover today.

• Three: I formed a friendship with some circus comrades that would eventually turn into a circus company. Our dream was born during these formative schooling years. Our trio would eventually be called "Rummi-Crew" - a mash-up of insanity, chaos, and misfits that shared one common dream. With my crew, I'd eventually come to experience some high highs and some deep, deep lows. These highs and lows only cemented our fates together. I had their back, and they had mine. Into the fire, we walked together... but I'm getting ahead of myself. I'll get to that part of the story when it arrives.

    As I write this, I'm back in Portugal now, in the process of attempting a shot at residency here. I'm simultaneously working the traffic lights, working with a street theater company, in the beginning stages of planning a new solo show, and writing this—which I hope to one day form into a book. Maybe I'll manage a way to become a Portuguese citizen in some (about 5-7 years) time. I had always thought that I'd finish school and then move on... and I did. I finished school and then once again returned to my vagabond life for about 3 years. But life has a funny way of repeating cycles. Sometimes people that had vanished reappear. Sometimes once strangers become lovers. Some places that were only checkpoints become temporary stopping points. So, with that said, here I am once again, in the land of tremocos, the country of Fernando Pessoa, to my birthplace as an artist. It's all one wild ride. I've completely given up trying to understand where the journey is headed. It's not relevant anymore. What matters is where I'm at now. I have visions of what I'd like to share with this world, dreams of shows that I'd like to do. I see the personal kingdom that I'm building for myself (mainly off of the coins I win at the traffic light). I see many, many things ahead, but I'm not convinced I should hold onto them because life is so fleeting. I suppose what matters most (more than the dreams ahead) is the nice jazz music I'm listening to now, or the warmth of the French-pressed coffee that is fueling this writing, or the currently gentle Lisbon rain showers that give me the perfect reason not to go outside and see the world today. That way I can stay here with myself, with my words, with my peace... writing this for you?... for me?... I guess both. Time will tell what becomes of all this, but what's most important now is to just keep writing.

 ...Lastly, I leave you with some words from Fernando Pessoa:
We can die if all we've done is love